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August 27 slavery ???????just for anybody who cares this is the reason for the post below this,, and by the way Dawn followed that up by making her space private,,, and I thought slavery of females for personal reasons was dead,, well I guess I was wrong,, grow the hell up people hi Charles, thank you for taking the time to read my scribbles. i have a man i love now and he reads my space, he was offended by erm..haha how you freely phrase your words, im not v.sure why. but i would really appreciate it if you could tone it down. i think this would bring back memories of how we first started in space, when my first comment to you was that you are welcome to weigh in on philosophical topics but as on the "love" bits...maybe we shld steer clear to avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings. your friend, dawn people,,,,get real damn itDawn this is for your boyfreind (and anybody else that don't get it) this place we are now,, this "cyberspace" is a new world,, a new kind of world,, here the only caress that can be felt,, is composed only of words,, lovers exist here that never meet,, that know they CAN never meet,, that does not make the love any less,, for here love can only be of the purest kind,, never sullied by the physical,, existing only in that most wondrous playground of all the mind,, it can not be said to not have any sexuality for the major part of sex is not of the body but of the mind,, in fact there is no feeling that is totally of the body,, it is only in the mind that all those tiny electrical and chemical signals get translated into meanings,, it is a wonderful thing that humanity is not limited to only being able to love a finite amount,, or number of times,, in fact the god that created us must have had a sense of humor for as much as we are programmed to be possessive of our mates so also are we hardwired to be more capable of love the more we love,, it makes you wonder,, god made us so we would be able to love one person more by loving more people,, ,,, makes you go hmmmm and for all the boyfreinds and girlfreinds who have problems with their significant other having lovers in this world,, get real,, by loving here they are being more capable of loving you,, the more they love here,, the more openly they love here,, the more love they have to give you,, the more you try to restrict anyones love,, the less they will have to give you,, they more you try to control another person,, the less control of them you will have,, August 26 A simple lieI hear your words saying what I want to hear yet like a mirage in the desert I know the closer that I get to them the further they will be until like a dream they are gone vanishing like a fog in the sun leaving no trace that ever they were spoken honestyWhy is honesty such a hard thing for people to get a grip on,, I mean it is really pretty easy to be honest with people,, all it takes is to not say things that you do not mean,, and then when you do say them stand by them,, I mean if you say you are going to do something is it that hard really to do so,, and if it is going to be that hard why did you say it in the first place,, now I am not talking about the going to do <blank> forever kind of things,, hell forever is such a long time that we can never know what is going to happen,, but next week isn't like that,, we can work with next week ( or tomorrow ,, or soon,, or any short time reference),, and we can make plans,, we can change plans,, it is only when it doesn't matter that we neglect to follow through,, and if it doesn't matter why did you say it to begin with,, don't people realise that doing that causes them to not be trustworthy,, and without trust what does a person have to offer anyone,, I mean once you are not trustworthy it doesn't matter what you say,, anything from “I am going down to the store” to “I love you” they don't mean anything,, and then what has that done to your value as a human being,, after all it is only trust that allows us to communicate with each other,, for we trust that each word we use has a meaning to the other person, and once that trust is gone does it matter if a person says “I am going to do such an such” or “my name is” or “I love you” what does any of these things mean,, and if you know a person is not telling the truth to somebody else why should you expect them to tell the truth to you,, and for how long are they going to do so,, after all if you will lie to that person you will lie to me,, for it is YOUR words that have no value,, not the person you are lying to,, it does not matter the value of the person you lie to,, they can be the lowest form of humanity that exists,, it is YOUR honor that has been lost,, is it worth it?? do you really want me to have to look out the window when you say it is a nice day just to see if you are lying again honesty really is best and easiest TRUST ME!!! August 25 colors of your soulHow many colors are there hidden in the soul of us all emotions so often are described that way the colors of anger and sadness hatred and love every though every word colored by what we are every stage of our life a veritable kaleidoscope and no way to record it no history of the colors inside no memories after we are gone all the colors fade and are no more when we leave this life so share the colors of your soul let the beauty not be hidden clouds of graywell I haven't put any of this in here for a while,, so just to remind everybody I do it sometimes here is a picture for you to read,,, and if you can't read well you are in the wrong damn place :) Clouds of a million shades of gray sliding across a sunless sky slowly covering all the heaven as loneliness has filled my soul another day may bring the sun another love may someday come till then I welcome the rain as a reflection of my heart a mirror of my soul what nowwhat
now,, well I have been doing depression and relationships,, strange
aint it how them two go together so well,,but I suppose that because
I am doing both of them,, and they are not totally connected,,
or maybe they are but that is not to say they are not seperate
entities ,, and they can both attack at the same time,, talk about
getting blindsided,, I mean just imagine this,, you are setting
around being like totally depressed,, wondering why you are even
alive and you get this text "I've decided we aren't together
anymore 'cause I am in bed with this other guy" , now I mean
this is enough to make you wonder about alternatives,, not to
say I quite got that in one txt,,it was a couple,, but at that point
I had depression with both hands around my throat,, and then the
relationship kicks me in the balls,, let me tell you for sure,,
that IS two different feelings,, and not one of them is good August 24 another dark onewell I am setting here looking out the window and watching the rain come down,, wondering why is it that sometimes it is so hard to recover from a relationship that has gone,, I have had both relationships that were very gently ended,, and all involved remained or became freinds,, and then I have hadone or two (ok two definately) that were much harder to get over,, the first one of the two was a long time ago,, and it was VERY hard to recover from,, and the second well I am trying to get recovered from it now,, I am beginning to think that possibly it is the manner of the end of a relationship that makes all the difference as to how it is to get over,, for the ones I have been in that ended ,, well not of course pleasantly but not trerribly painfully they all ended with discussion and understanding,, we both understood what had happened,, and it was ok with us both,, because understanding what had happened fostered understanding that the ending was in truth a good thing,, there was no real blank spot or hole in my heart,, of course there was a hole in my life but really it was nothing that was a problem,, in fact I was happy for the girl I lost,, and happy for the guy she got,, I was not even terribly unhappy for me
I hope that in the end the relationship that I am trying to get over now has that kind of ending
(it's up to you Sam )
an for everybody else
mey your relationships all last as long as they are s'posed to
and end (if they do) with a smile and a kiss
and if you like you may feel free to giv me a kiss as well mailorder--YESyeah the more I think about it the more the mailorder thing sounds good,, I mean you would get a person with no bad habits,, or at least none that they could keep up with here,, I mean if they do not know ANYBODY it is going to be a while before they are able to meet the corner drug dealer aint it,, and they are not going to have any ex's floating around in the next city,,, or next block as far as that goes,,and hell they might well not even speak our language,, I mean talk about a gaurantee they are not going to be hangin out at the local redneck tavern while you are busy,, there are just so many good points,, and you could look around and find one from the country that had the racial characteristics that turned you on ( I think Asians are sooo cute ) ,, I mean think about it,, there just is NO downside to it at all
well except you couldn't just send them to their mothers when you wanted to go fishing for he weekend August 23 reallyI have been kind of considering maybe making a trip to maryland,,looking at the map it doesn't really seem like that bad a trip,, like 2400 miles is all,,and I got to considering costs,, and everybody has been bitching about gas prices,, yeah I know they are higher than anybody wants to think about,, but that would not EVEN be the most expensive part of the trip,, between motels and food gas starts to cost a lot less,, or least it looks that way,, I mean if you got 5-7 hundred miles a day that is still going to be 4 nights in a motel,, and probably eat at least twice a day,, you start adding those up and well ,,, I mean I think I figured something like 53 gallons was all it would take,, give or take a few,, and motels are going to be what?? 50 dollars a night ( or more) and at least twenty dollars a day on food,, hell maybe I should start looking at airplane tickets,, aint that nuts,,an that is travelling on a motorcycle,, I would hate to think what it might be if I was driving an suv or some such shit,,
maybe then I could afford to buy the airplane
an somebody to fly it
but hey,, if I had that kind of money,,, I could just get me a mailorder g/f from someplace,,, and not have to go anyplace
what a thought
no wonder everybody drives suv's fog,,,,and painit is kind of col here in the subdivision where I live,, there is a ridge between our house and the ocean and most every morning you can see the fog off of the ocean sort of rolling over that ridge,, right now the ridge is pretty well covered with evergreen tree's fir,pine,cedar,you know, them kind, and the fog just comes up and over them ,, turning them into ghosts,, or that is what it looks like
and on to the pain
now yesterday I said that they were right ( the cats) but I did not say how right they were,, boy was it a bad day, I tried to talk to my ex about it but that didn't go very well,, it is hard to try to make somebody understand how bad a day it is when you can not find any way to describe it that they can relate to,, and people do not want to know you are having that bad a day,, they will not listen when you tell them,, that is understandable,, they can not do anything about it, so it is easier on them if they do not know,, but really now,, I was talking to her (well txting) and I told her it was a really bad day,, then I thought about the fact that she had when she was younger cut herself,, so I asked her if cutting helped to deal with the pain,, I mean I was really having a bad day,, and I need to figure something out,, well she told me no,,, then a few minutes later,,, she asked me if I was ok
no I wasn't ok,, just a few minutes before I had asked if cutting helps
and she wants to know if I am ak
yeah I was just flippin peachy
P.S.
just a little bit more
when you are suffering from something like this how DO you tell someone how you feel?? how can you make someone understand?? I personally do not know, I have tried everything I know to try to let the people close to me see just how not ok I sometimes am,, and what happened in the above example is a normal reaction,, what can a person do to make people understand,I have told all those close to me to follow this blog,, maybe this will help,, probably not but I am out of ideas,,an if anybody else out there has any ideas,, about how to tell people so they hear,, or about how to make things so you can deal with them,,or anything else that might help
let me know
PLEASE August 22 they were rightwell the cats were right,,although this started out to be a good day it really fell apart,, I really thought this was being a good day ,, better than average even,, I was happy and doing fine,, thn it was like everything in the world that could go wrong was all my fault,, even things I never heard of,, goodness it is such a bother to feel like everything is your fault,, I mean ,, well you know how it feels when you are minding your own bussiness going down the road not doing anything wrong and all of a sudden there are flashing lights in your rearview mirror,, well it is like that but ten times more so,, and there is no reason,, if I knew anything I could do to make this stop I would,, and I mean anything,, I am ready to do ,,, hell don't know what I am ready to do
ore than I should I am sure
oh well
I'll live through it
or I won't darn catssometimes I have to wonder about my cats,, and well maybe all pets in general,, I have read that dogs also are good at it but in my personal case I have noticed that the worse my head is screwed up the closer my silly cats stay to me,, I mean it is nice in some ways but then again just what I do ot think I need is some silly animal rubbing my face in the fact my head is all screwed up,, oh yeah it is nice knowing that there is somebody who cares ( even if it is just a couple of cats) but do they have to be so bloody obvious,, I mean I would just about bet that anybody around here could tell what kind of day I am going to be having just by watching the cats,, if at least one of them is always insisting that they be carried and or that I stop and pet them no matter what I am doing that generally means it is not going to be a good day to be around me,, but if they dont even want to be around me then I am probably going to have a good day,, now I do not know how in the world they are able to know that,, but I am beginning to be able to recognise it,, before I have been up long enough to see how I feel,, in fact if for some reason I wake up and can not move because I have a cat laying against me on either side,, well that usually means I should just go back to sleep,, it is NOT going to be a reasonable day,, but anyway that is just something I have noticed
makes me go hmmmmm August 21 chronic depressionnow I do not know how many of you have chronic depression,, or how many of you know someone with it,, but according to the statistics probably most of you at the very least know one person suffering from chronic depression ,, now the first thing to understand about this disease is that well ok this isn't what I was going to say as first but it came out that way so,,,, CHRONIC DEPRESSION IS A DISEASE,,, it is not like just being depressed because you lost your job or came home and found your significant other in bed with somebody,, it is much worse,, yeah hard to beleive aint it,, but it is worse,, with normal dpression you get depressed because of something and you get over it,, with chronic depression you are depressed and it seems like everything is the reason,,, I mean you can get so depressed you want to die just because the sun came up,, or it at least can seem that way,, and that is just an example,, it might be anything that trips your trigger,, and to make it worse when you are the person being depressed that way,,, you can look at yourself and see that it is silly,, that there is absolutely no reason to feel that way,, which by the way just makes you even more depressed because you can not even control your self,, yeah it is one seriously debilitating disease,, and it works by making you not trust yourself,, you can not even beleive in the way you feel,, because you know that your feelings are false at least part of the time,, and you can see no reason to think that they ever are,, and if you can't trust your feelings do you really beleive you can trust anybody else,, and everybody else WILL lie to you,, you will be able to prove it,, and nobody will beleive you when you try to tell them how you feel,,, I mean nobody,, you feel so alone that it is seriously enough to make a stable person suicidal,, and a depressed person is not stable,, but oh well ,, I hope that someone out there is able to take this knowledge and help another,, or at least to see what I have written and believe that they are not truly alone
I just wish I could beleive that August 19 thats more like itwell thats more like it,, after 4:00 pm and 0 visitors to this page,, I can understand numbers like that,, it is more like what I would expect,, pok so I am basing that on the way I see myself and not what others tell me they see in me,, but who really listens to what others have to say anyway,, I mean we all hear things from freinds and aquaintances and stuff,, telling us how wonderful we are,, or just the opposite,, but we all just go our own way,, well yeah it might hurt our feelings a little bit but stil we continue as we ware, I suppose that is as much because most of us do not have any choice as for any other reason, I mean yeah I might like to change all the things that I think might be wrong with me,, I would think most people would feel that way,, but until somebody comes out with the disc containing the correct operating system for a human I do not see any way to reset all the things that are not right,,, heck I haven't even found the corect site to get all the updates downloaded into my skull,,, I mean after all it is 2008 and there must have been SOME updates by now,,, yet I can not find them,,
if any of you have round the site to download updates for the human mind let me know,,
I could sure use them
or even an entirely new copy of the operating system
just wipe whatever passes for a hard drive in us and start over clean
I might even consider going open source
just hurry
before I really crash August 17 what to writeok well and again I am here to try and find something to say,, but right now I am just pissed off,, been in a chat room just kinda watching,, and it was just a drama scene,, goodness knows I do not need that,, an there is some prejudiced sob telling people what they can say and who has the right to talk,, isn't there enough fools around without people working to make it worse,, I maybe should be happy,, at least it has caused me to not care about my own problems,, but still,, does anybody realy ned that kind of crap,, we are all just people on here,, and we all need to get along with each other,, I mean this world is getting smaller with every leap of technology,, what is going to happen when somebody figures out a way for all of us to be able to visit as easily as we talk,, or chat,, or blog,, or how ever it might be that you communicate with your freinds the world over,, are we ever going to be free from all these stereotypes,, or are we going to let our govts. tell us who we can talk to,, personally I want to talk to anybody anyplace that I find interesting,, and I do not want anyone to tell me I can't because of some line on a map,, or some silly thing about religon,, or any damn thing else,, I like people from all over the world,
'specially the cute girls
and I damn well want everybody to know I am democratic
I'll stare at all their bodies
lol August 16 morningwell it is morning ,, and love still stinks,, aint it a bother when you are getting over a failed love affair and you go days without having a bad day and then you wake up and all you are aware of is that they are no longer there,, like it just happened that morning,,, damn I hate that,, but I am going to hope that like the fog it will burn off,, I could certainly use a few more emotionally clear days,,, and why is it that when a lover leaves you they are more likely to go out of their way to make it miserable for you than to make it easy ?? oh well I will recover,, and will love again I suppose,, even though at this time I do not even want to consider giving anybody that much power to hurt me,, but I know that I will,, I could not live in a relationship that was just about lust,, and I cannot imagine being alone for the rest of my life,, so I will have to allow someone into my heart sometime
like russian roulette with my heart
I can't lose every time
I HOPE MIDNIGHT ALREADYI do n ot understand it,, I mean what am I still doing awake,, it is most midnight and I am up,, I aint been up this late for ,,, likke forever,, well nearly,, or as close to as not to count,, and there is no excuse,, I aint doing drugs or drinking,, not watching tv or movies,, aint even got anybody I am talking to,, either here or cyberspace.,, I am just so bores I can't even go to sleep,, ,, this sucks,, I mean I can think of all kinds of things to do, but they are mostly ruled out just cause I am here all alone,, and the things I might be doing by myself,, well I aint thought of them,,
come on somebody give me a hint
oh I fergot
nobody's here August 14 ok thenwell you might think that with all the things going on in my world right now I wouldn't have any problem finding somethng to say here,, ok so there really isn't that much going on,, in fact I have been bored out of my mind almost all day,, first thing I put in a call to the organization that has been helping me get the meds that the shrink under whose care I am thinks I should have,, but well of course a return call was not immediately forthcoming,, in fact it wasn't till the middle of the afternoon that I got that call,, and then I was s'posed to be waiting for the ex to call me back,, but well yeah sure,, I have known the lady longer than that,, I knew that she was not to be expected to call,,, I am not sure just why I am the only person it is ok for her to ot make a point of keeping her word,, but that is not something new,, in fact she has been that way tome for a long time,, in fact for a long time before we were romantically involved at all,, must just be something about my personality,, like maybe I should have been voted most likely to be lied to by some group or another,, maybe it is just that all the girls I have ever been with,, or even just had as freinds have known that I would forgive them
but do they have to take advantage of it
or is it just to prove to someone they can,,
whatever
if I love them they are forgiven
and I love all girls
just call me sucker August 12 she camewell as it said in the title she came,, unforunately she also went,, but she is s'posed to return in a week and a half,, now I have to admit that I am not sure I beleive her,, well in fact I have to admit I will not beleive it till she pulls back in,, but it was fun seeing her,,AND SHE BROUGHT MY CATS,, I think that is what I m happiest about,, it has been so long,, and I have cared for them since they were kittens,, they are by name monster and precious,, or as they are usually referred to precious kitty and monster cat,, I am not sure why one is kitty and the other is cat,,but precious is a small cat and just beautiful while monster is just a cat grey and white,, brilliant white at that,, my wonderful precious kitty is kind of an all over stripey grey with really long hair I will have to see if I have any pictures of them,, but anyway that is about all tha there was time for while she was here,, I was not expecting her to leave as soon as she did,, in fact I was expecting at least a couple of days,, thats what she told me,, I should of known better,, oh well ,, she says that next time she will be able to stay longer,, and I am going to hope so,, we have a lot of things to talk about,, did you know it is a lot harder to go from living together to being freinds than it is to go from freinds to living together,, well that is the process we have to look forward to,, and I refuse to give her up,, she is a wondeful person and I love her,, we will continue to be freinds,, no matter the pain that this going back to being freinds has caused and will cause
she is worth it
even if I do wish I could choke her for having to leave this soon |
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